The doctors have all agreed that mom's body is shutting down. Every time they do something to help, she has some sort of reaction to it. They have tried everything too.
It is time and mom agrees. We are now done with pills, doctors and IV's and mom was VERY capable of making that decision on her own yesterday about this. It was a very difficult conversation to have with her. We have to be grateful for her knowing exactly what she wants right now.
She has clearly stated she wants to go home so with the support of hospice and my brother we will see mom through what looks like will be her last days on this planet. She will get home today. It is where she wants and deserves to be.
I am scared.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I am still up in WA and this past week has been a bear. We finally got the bone marrow biopsy results yesterday and mom has a chronic marrow disease that will be left untreated. Untreated only because her body cannot handle any more. She is so sick of all the poking and prodding and doing more of that at this point may cause more problems since she is so weak. That said, she is still in the hospital. I have been able to be her advocate in there on a daily basis which has been a super good thing. This disease will not cause any more pain but will likely cause her to have her life end due to an infection.
I do feel like a stone wall that is crumbling on the inside. This is all so hard. My worst days were last weekend when I realized what is happening with mom and what her desires were. Since then I have kept it together pretty well. I attribute that to all of you too. Without all your support and just letting me know you are there for me has been a god send. Just know that you can't say the wrong thing to me right now and don't be scared to give me a thumbs up. I need that right now. I am glad to be able to know what I need in these times and to be able to tell you. I have had friends go through these things and I was scared to say or do anything to acknowledge the hell they were going through because I didn't want to make them cry or say something wrong. These are hard situations but I am happy to have all your support everyone!! Thanks! And, the second I stop talking to doctors, nurses, cna's, lpn's, nutritionists, chaplains, social workers, etc. I may actually return your phone calls and such. : )
Today we are to decide what is next for mom. She cannot be alone at all anymore which means a change of life for her and possibly for my brother and I. I talked to the social worker at the hospital yesterday about options for about 3 hours. Needless to say my head was spinning all day and night. So much emotional stress, tons of thinking/contemplating and being pulled in in all directions!
Mom is definitely at the point where she is having more bad days than good. She is on the other side of the bell curve now unfortunately. All she wants to do is sleep as there is someone in her room every 2 hours AT LEAST doing things for her (bringing food, taking blood pressure, checking up, getting warm blankets, physical therapists, etc). That is what you call good care but it continues all night for her and rest is nearly impossible which contributes to how tired she already is. Poor thing.
The nice news is that when I went to see dad, he seemed to recognize me. It took him about 30 minutes to do so but once he figured out who that chick was sitting in front of him, he cupped my hand in his two hands and shook it vigorously as if to say good to see you. He then tried to form words and sentences to let me know he was happy to see me. Apparently it has been a LOOOOOOOONG time since he has tried to talk. He got a few unrecognizable words out that sounded like "happy" and "here". So he is happy to see me and glad I am here! That is what I am going with and I am sticking to it!! : ) Actually, that what he would always say to me when I came home for a visit so I wouldn't doubt that he was trying to say it again.
Since the stroke took his ability to speak, read, write and communicate away, dad is left to his actions to let us know if he is happy or not and let me tell you, he is a man that still knows what he wants!!! You start pushing the wheel chair one way and if that isn't the way he wants to go, out those feet come out as breaks. It is pretty funny...well as funny as not being able to communicate at all is. Ugh.
The other good news is that I have been able to squeeze in a nice long bike ride each day!! It has been just what I need to cap off extremely busy days at the hospital, nursing home and running errands for mom in between. And the weather has been cooperating too on that one!
Here is a picture of the old sandpits from the 1800's that are next to the bike path.
And the Narrows Bridge of course!
Thanks again for all your support!